Poolside Percy

Score:   ۞ ۞ ۞ ۞ ۞ I'm in Derbyshire, just a short journey through the national park to Glossop, home of this wonderful looking Victorian swimming pool. It's only £3.20 to get in, bargainus. The building is set in a lovely park. I marvel at the beauty of the building's interior, amazing windows and mosaics, the wooden spectators benches worn down over time rather than worn out and broken in plastic leisure centre style. On the bottom of the shallow end it says 'Shallow End' in massive red letters, wouldn't that be more useful at the deep end? There are quite a few kids and parents in the water, I dive in and proceed to zigzag my way through the splashing and games, I must be really annoying I consider, we can coexist I reconsider. The water is warm and clean. I realise why the warning sign is in the shallow end and not the deep end. Eventually I'm joined by some fellow swimmers, the kids have vanished. My aquamate points out that we're now ...

www.cheezburger.com/ Water temp: 13 degrees Apparently the patron saint of swimmers is Saint Adjutor of Vernon , there's a couple for cold ('tis common), but there isn't one for thermometers, should be one, we've gone up a degree, thank god for swimming. Pre-work swim. Not a morning for messing about, sod the meek, in we go. Fourteen glorious lengths, one long, long hot shower.

Valentina Salsa Picante How I ended up here I don't know. The girl on the door asked me to pay on the way out as she was dealing with a membership enquiry, yeah right. The sun is shining and the pool is virtually empty compared to previous visits. For one reason or another I'm not feeling quite right today, however, I set myself a big target of 45 x 50m lengths, that's more than 2 chlorinated kilometres. I eased my way in to the fast lane, well, a crap dive that sent my oversized, leaky goggles skewiff. There are usually some seriously macho swimmers here, some with beards, today is no exception. I get lapped and lapped as I lap up the lengths. I move in to the middle lane when I feel squeezed out of the macho lane, what a wimp. The salmon and cream cheese bagel in my bag spurs me on. I move off from London Fields in a hypnotic trance towards Old Street and a Mexican shop in Bethnal Green which sells my favourite salsa.

Water temp: 11 degrees It's a gorgeous morning in London, Indian summertime in the city. Yikes, another temperature drop. This is a toughie, limbs feel tired, struggle to swim properly, the rush doesn't hit me till about length six or seven. Managed 12 lengths today, that's one for every degree and one for luck. Sat and soaked up some sunshine. A lot of Lido Backbenchers in today.

Water temp: 13 degrees I'm back for more pre-work swimming shenanigans. Despite the cold night, the temperature has gone up, hooray. Feels even colder than yesterday, boo. Thankfully it's Friday, hooray. I really didn't want to get out at length 12 but my feet were telling me otherwise. 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' Tim Vine.

Water temp: 12 degrees Thursday morning pre-work swim. Twelve degrees? "Scalded cats fear even cold water." Apparently 'tis true. There's a nip in the air and not a hint of sunshine. I sat on a bench for 15 minutes memorised by the big, blue expanse of blueness, the only living thing it contained was a rubber clad man, even he was wearing rubber boots and gloves. Snap out of it. I busied myself arranging my clothes on the bench in a sad attempt at buying time. Yes, the water was cold, took my dear little breath away. Sun came out briefly for my first couple of lengths, managed to swim 10 this morning. Praise the lord of hot showers for my hot shower this morning. Returned to bench to find a pigeon had crapped on my lovely white Fred Perry t-shirt. Apparently that's an omen of good fortune, so's tingling hands, but that could be the cold.

Water temp: 13 degrees Sunny, Sunday morning. My poor head is spinning from too much late night business. Hey-ho, up early enough for last swim of the weekend. Lido is pretty busy, there must be 50+ people here, apparently there's a Lido users' group meeting today, it's a bit like the House of Lords when they're trying to push through a piece of controversial legislation, The Lido Backbenchers. Well freakin' cold in the water today, I dutifully and lazily swam 12 lengths. Shame I didn't have time to lie in the sun, I never seem to have the time, too busy staying up late. Home to make roast dinner for six. www.HyperSmash.com